Dear Governor Snyder,
While it’s only March, it’s already been quite the year for you. The Flint water crisis has made our state the talk of the nation. Flint has now joined Detroit as the second Michigan city literally disintegrating before our eyes. Because of the problems in Flint, your exposure in the national media has gone through the roof. Hoards of east coast reporters want to talk to our tough nerd and give you the interview equivalent of a waterboarding. Worse still, a recall petition against you was recently approved, and thousands are calling for you to resign the governorship. Oh, and you were recently called to testify before congress too.
Governor, these extreme times call for extreme measures. You must take bold action. That’s why I believe that now is the perfect time for you to declare your bid for the Republican nomination for President of the United State of America.
I know, I know. At first glance this may seem like a crazy idea, but stay with me here.
As a Republican, I’m sure that you’ve been following your party's primary race. The establishment candidates that everyone expected to be front runners have been going over about as well as an Ohio State sweatshirt goes over in Ann Arbor. Jeb Bush, the ultimate insider, just dropped out of the race because not even putting an exclamation point after his name could generate the least bit of excitement in voters. Republicans want something different this election season. They want candidates like Donald Trump; men of great wealth and cojones the size of the Mackinaw Bridge.
Do you see where I’m going here, governor? Like Trump, you are a rich businessman. You and Trump are also both Presbyterians and entered politics later in life, and neither of you are afraid to go rogue. While Trump likes to talk a good game about deporting people and building walls, that’s where it stops. He’s all hat and no cattle. But you, governor, you aren’t afraid to actually do stupid things! If you entered the race, you could make a case that you’ve out Trumped Trump.
I could understand if you were a little worried about how all the bad press you’ve been getting would impact your campaign. But remember what the old adage says, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Think for a moment about how the water crisis has increased your name recognition. While you might feel embarrassed about famous Michigander Michael Moore calling for you to be arrested, did you ever think about how this would play with GOP primary voters? They hate Michael Moore. He’s a liberal loon in their eyes. If Moore thinks you should go to prison, you’re probably doing something right in the eyes of the typical Rush Limbaugh listener.
Now, campaigning for the presidency means that you’d have to start giving a lot of speeches, and I know from your recent State of the State address that you are not the most articulate person who’s ever lived. Was it embarrassing during your State of the State address when you mispronounced the name of Dr. Mona Hanna-Attisha, the physician who discovered the lead poisoning in Flint? Sure. Did you effectively cover it up when you implied that you were confused about her last name because you’re on a first name basis with the good doctor? No, not all. That was just awkward and patently untrue.
But have you ever considered that after eight years of having a super eloquent president, the people may want something different? Maybe Americans want a leader who always sounds like a 13-year-old boy trying to talk to a girl at a middle school dance. Maybe Americans are nostalgic for the days when our president regularly said things like “making the pie higher” or “putting food on your family.”
If people don’t think a tongue-tied, inarticulate man like yourself can be elected president, they are misunderestimating you, sir.
While it is getting late, and Mr. Trump has a lot of momentum, I think you can still win the nomination and the presidency if you get in the race now. Don’t just do it for yourself. Do it for the people of Michigan.
We’ll hate to see you leave for Washington, DC; but as they say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and I'm sure the people of Michigan will love you more and more the longer you stay away.
Charles D. Thomas